It’s NOT okay. Okay?

When I tell nosey people who ask when I’m “having another one” that I can’t have any more babies, they unanimously do this incredibly fucking rude thing where they ask “WHY?” whilst salivating over the possibility of a story about some peculiar uterine wasting disease which has rendered me infertile. So I suppose it’s kind of disappointing when I explain, through gritted teeth, that my husband has had a vasectomy. But then they bypass social etiquette altogether and say – with a cheeky wink that never fails to make me feel sick – “HE can’t have any more children, but YOU can!” Are you fucking kidding me? In what universe is it okay to even vaguely suggest that I might as well just go ahead and get myself knocked up by someone – anyone, apparently – other than my husband? Thanks and everything, but no. JUST NO.

Of course, the next thing they ask me is, “Don’t you want any more babies?” You know what? Yes. YES. I DO want more babies. In fact, whenever I think about the fact that I’m not going to have any more babies, I feel a certain sense of grief. But there’s a difference between what I want and what I know is good for me and my family. So, Random Stranger full of personal questions, thanks a fucking bunch for that. I didn’t get sad and wistful about it quite enough by myself.

And then there’s my favourite question:

“So why did your husband have a vasectomy if you wanted another baby?”

Really? You really want to talk about this? Alright. I’ll bite. Let’s do this.

Because we both have shitty jobs and we can’t afford another baby.

Because our house is too small and we don’t really want to move ’cause we’ve spent a fuckload of money on this one.

Because I like my car and I don’t want a people carrier.

Because SPD and constant nausea aren’t really my idea of a good time.

Because the first six months of F’s life passed in a blur of misery and sleeplessness and, although I’ve tried really hard to block it all out, I know I’ll never quite forget how shit it really was.

Because we might actually get divorced next time.

The truth, Random Stranger, is that my husband and I made the decision for him to have a vasectomy together. But he walked into that procedure room alone, both physically and mentally. I, on the other hand, sat in the waiting room trying to write and occupy my mind while it screamed things like “you’ll never feel a baby move inside you again” and “you’ll never see your newborn for the first time again” and, my personal favourite, “you’ll never have another chance to put right everything you did wrong”.

Do I want to talk about it? Do I want to tell you all of this? Do I think you need to know? No, no and er, NO. And I wonder, if I did have three children, would you still ask? At what point do I have enough offspring for you to just stop fucking asking already?

I don’t know what it is about motherhood that makes it perfectly acceptable for everyone to make such blunt, frankly unacceptable statements with nothing short of aplomb. It’s not like anyone has ever asked me what position I conceived my babies in or whether I did that legs-up-in-the-air thing afterwards. But I’m not really sure why the Personal Inquisition Squad get that those aren’t appropriate questions and yet see nothing wrong with suggesting that I start shagging random men in the name of completing my family. Whatever the fuck that means.

So, do you know what? I’m changing my story, Random Stranger. I just need to come up with a realistic-sounding name for a fictional uterine wasting disease first…

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12 comments

  1. fatherof5blog · September 14

    There are many times that I really dislike people, especially when it comes to children and family sizes.
    You get comments about not having enough children, I get scrutinised about having too many.
    When are people ever satisfied, when will they mind their business?
    Sorry, rant over now.
    It’s your family and it’s only up to you and your husband how many children you want or think is appropriate

    Liked by 1 person

    • Motherhood IRL · September 14

      If your family size works for you, nobody has the right to tell you that you have “too many” children. What do they expect you to say? “Yeah, I wish we’d never had the last one. Too fucking late now, though!” People are ridiculously rude and thoughtless sometimes.
      I would’ve loved to have another child. I still think about it most days. But I know it would have been more than we could cope with financially, and probably emotionally too.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. fatherof5blog · September 14

    It’s very true and we struggle every day.
    Thank goodness for hand me downs and that they are all girls.
    The main thing is that the child(ren) are happy

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I could cry over how painfully, perfect this blog is. I have one child, (you mean to tell me, you only have one child? You need another to keep the first one company. When are you going to have another? S and V (bro and sis-in-law) have triplets you need to get cracking to catch up!) that I love dearly. But, some days he is nearly the death of me. He is autistic and has ADHD. I don’t love him any less for it, but to be frank, I’m afraid to have another one.
    Take today for example (please take it and let me start over Oh, My God), he tested his limits every which way, we ended up leaving with our dinner in a box before I was able to take one bite of it. Yeah, sure let’s pop out another baby that’s going to make life a whole hell of a lot easier (sarcasm). Talking about judgmental strangers, we had every eye from every patron in the restaurant on us when we left. I knew the stares, they ranged from 1. control your child 2. your kid needs a good spanking to 3. I understand whole heartedly.
    Where was I? Oh, yeah, this blog couldn’t be more spot on if it tried, I applaud you for your honesty.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Motherhood IRL · September 15

      Thank you for your comment, and I’m really sorry you’re experiencing the same thing. When I come up with a name for my fictional uterine wasting disease, I’ll let you know so maybe you can use it too. Maybe if we gross people out enough they’ll stop asking rude questions they have no business to be asking!

      Seriously though, you’re a hero. Neither of my boys have any kind of disability and they drive me up the wall, across the ceiling and back down the other side on a daily basis. I know that I couldn’t cope with the things I know parents of autistic and/or ADHD children do and I have nothing but respect for every single one of you. Don’t you ever give one single fuck what anybody else thinks of you! X

      Liked by 1 person

  4. Mama, Eden & Me · September 15

    I hate this! I really do. “So when are you having another?”
    “We’re not”
    “Oh really? Why?”
    “Took long enough to make this one”
    “Oh but you don’t want her to be LONELY do you?/only children are SO spoilt/ oh but you HAVE to have more – you make beautiful kids”
    MY UTERUS, MY RULES!

    Basically I wish people would faff off

    Liked by 1 person

    • Motherhood IRL · September 15

      Right?! It’s so rude and unnecessary! I think we can be trusted to make our own choices about how many kids we want!

      Liked by 1 person

  5. shellysopinion · January 16

    OMG! This is so real… I hate when people ask that question as well, I am a mother of three, people that are older and have no kids are asking me when will I have another… When will you have one?

    Liked by 1 person

    • Motherhood IRL · January 16

      I just don’t get why anyone else thinks it’s any of their business how many times you have a human dwelling in your uterus. Like, if you had 12 kids, would they be asking when you were going to start giving them away? NO! So why is it okay to ask if/ when you’re going to have more?!

      Liked by 1 person

      • shellysopinion · January 17

        Some people are just ridiculous, kids are so expensive to take care of, and believe it or not every child is different and requires a different kind of care. Not everyone has the patient to handle stuff like that.

        Liked by 1 person

      • Motherhood IRL · January 17

        I get really tired of people asking me if I wish I had a girl too. That winds me up, because it feels like they’re asking if I wish one of my boys was a girl. Or suggesting that I won’t be “complete” until I have a daughter.

        Liked by 1 person

      • shellysopinion · January 17

        I know, that can be frustrating, just let them know, You’re more than happy with your two boys!

        Liked by 1 person

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