Everything is shit

Today life has thrown me another curveball. When I actually think about it, I’ve been fielding curveballs for my entire adult life. The discovery that the basket I had put all of my eggs into at 18 was a failing relationship that could never provide me with happiness. The various jobs that weren’t enough hours or didn’t pay enough or could never promise to be permanent. The rented flats that suddenly became too hard to fund or too expensive to leave. The many, many times that I genuinely believed I had found something real, only to discover that I had been kidding myself all along. Over a decade of my life has passed like this, always wondering where the next seismic circumstantial shift is coming from, how I will get through it and if I will ever, EVER just fucking be “enough”.

At the start of every year, I aspire to this one thing: TO BE HAPPY. I choose this thing because it is ambiguous. It doesn’t subscribe to a certain set of rules or to depriving myself of anything I like. It’s a reminder to myself that happiness is fluid and it comes in many forms. Until today, I had managed to be happy for quite some time. The pain and trauma of F’s illness and the Almost-Divorce had faded. I had a stable job and felt purposeful and appreciated and worthwhile. I felt as close to being “somebody” as I will ever be. Because the more that I want for myself is not possible, and I had accepted that. I was okay with myself and my place in this life.

Today, my place has shifted. To be honest with you, my place is flat on my face with the rug ripped out from under my feet. And I know what will happen when I post this, because it fucking always does; someone will tweet me or text me or reply to this post saying “things could be worse.” And you know what? Things could be worse. I could be struggling to escape a warzone. I could be living on the streets. I could be dying. I know. I know. But right now, relative to how this feels, this is as bad as I have ever felt. This is as desperately worried as I have been so many times before in my life. This is where I wake up in the night and I think too much for too long and I cry a little bit and I can’t get back to sleep. This is where I wonder how I’m going to make this work and get back to a point where everything feels okay again.

When I’m struggling, I repeat this mantra to myself: IT’S GOING TO BE ALRIGHT. It doesn’t sound like much, but I actually got it from a movie, Now Is Good. It’s what Tessa says to herself when she’s sitting alone at the table in her dad’s kitchen, trying to come to terms with the fact that she is in the final few days of her life. It reminds me that I am lucky, that I have so much to be thankful for, and that I will be okay in the end. I know that my husband will help me through this because he has done it before. I know that he will be there when I can’t sleep and that he will listen patiently to my angry ranting. I know that my kids will distract me, that they will bring me their favourite toys, stroke my hair, give me kisses and tell me that I am beautiful, because they are empathetic little humans and I have raised them to be kind. And I know that my friends will show me love and be outraged on my behalf, because I know that they love me as fiercely as I do them.

Today, everything feels shit. Everything is shit. In a week or a month or a year… However long it takes, it will be okay again. Nothing can feel shit forever.

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14 comments

  1. mymanytitles · March 30, 2016

    I hope today is not as shit for you! Much love and hugs x

    Like

  2. nightwisprav3n · April 24, 2016

    I went through a lot of the same things you have gone through. Since becoming an adult, I have gone through one bad relationship after another, a failed marriage, and struggled with a mental illness, among many other things. I feel you on this. Lately, I have been struggling to stay on a positive track and my goal is to be happy as well. Whatever that looks like, I will find it, just like you will. My kids keep me going. They motivate me to keep fighting for my own happiness. I have a mantra too that I tell myself when I’m feeling this way about life: “This hard stuff is leading me somewhere great!” That helps me get through. I hope you see a better day tomorrow:) Popping over from #candidcuddles

    Liked by 1 person

    • Motherhood IRL · April 24, 2016

      When I wrote this just over a month ago, my job was changing so I would lose the stability and routine I have spent five long years working for. On the day that I wrote it, I could see no light at all at the end of the tunnel. I didn’t know what it would mean for my family and my marriage and my ability to even keep working. It hasn’t been a great month since then and I have been angry and overwhelmed a lot, but I think I’m starting to make my peace with the way things are going to be.

      I’m so sorry that you’ve been through some shitty times too. But your mantra is a great one and I will try to remember it.

      Thank you so much for stopping by.

      Liked by 2 people

  3. Our Cherry Tree · April 24, 2016

    I really hope things are on the up 🙂 your quote has it right, everything will be OK. Hugs. xx #candidcuddles

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Annette · April 24, 2016

    If you keep telling yourself everything will be OK… sooner or later it often will be. It may be something as little as waking up and feeling good, or something much bigger. Little steps… I hope you are getting there. #candidcuddles

    Liked by 1 person

  5. beautybabyandme · April 25, 2016

    Keep going babe – you will get there and the shit days will decrease! Big hugs xx #candidcuddles

    Liked by 1 person

  6. DomesticatedMomster · April 27, 2016

    So true! Things will change. There will be bad days full of shitty situations but there will be good days too. #candidcuddles

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Becky, Cuddle Fairy · April 28, 2016

    I’m sorry you were going through such a rough patch – I’m glad to read your comment that you are starting to make peace with your new routine. Things can always be worse but that doesn’t lessen the pain of what we are dealing with. That’s a great quote & way of thinking. #candidcuddles x

    Like

  8. Madeline · April 30, 2016

    I love your honesty in this post. Sometimes life really is just rubbish, and I’m sorry to hear that now is one of those times for you. I’m sure it will get better though, it sounds like you have a wonderful group of people in your life to help you out the other side. x #CandidCuddles

    Liked by 1 person

  9. funemploymentrate · November 15

    Believe it or not, idc who you are…we all feel like this on some level. I love your new mantra, “Be HAPPY” because that has more to do with you focusing on yourself and your own goals. I really believe in the law of attraction. If you are able to do little things that make you happy and set goals on personal improvement you will inevitably attract that same energy. Lastly, when you do attract that person and it happens not to work out for whatever reason, there will be minimal affect because your happiness is your own making. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    • Motherhood IRL · November 15

      Thank you for the those kind words. I wrote this post back in March, but I come back to it every now and again when things get shitty and tough and it reminds me of how far I have already come. Life IS shit sometimes, and nobody promises us anything different. But it also has a funny way of working out somehow in the end, and that’s what I hold onto during the hard times. X

      Liked by 1 person

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